Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Personal Statement

==Draft 2==
Have you ever been deeply absorbed by any hobby or interest that you really enjoyed? This was exactly how I felt when I started to learn percussion in secondary one. I was so engrossed in picking up the skill that, sometimes during school lesson, I would pretend to be paying attention but secretly beat some rhythms on my lap under the table.

What has fascinated me about percussion is that any composition, no matter how challenging it may be, can be decomposed into the same basic element – a single stroke by the drum stick. On the sub-microscopic level, a basic rhythm is formed by combining a variety of strokes. A drummer has to master all the different rhythms in the composition first, before he can integrate them together and perform in one succession. This bottom-up approach of conquering a musical score appeals to my personality of being analytical and organised.

Akin to interpreting a composition according to its constituting strokes and rhythms, I always break up a seemingly insurmountable problem into multiple achievable tasks. This allows me to stay focused and composed when faced with difficulty. In fact, my ability to solve problems in a systematic manner explains why I have always been strong in Mathematics and Science subjects.

Pursuing honours in electrical engineering gives me the opportunity to apply my analytical skills to solve real life problems in future. My traits will be an asset to the industry where effective engineering design must be carefully planned and systematically executed.



==Draft 1==
Have you ever been deeply absorbed by any hobby or interest that you really enjoy? This was exactly how I felt when I started to learn percussion in secondary one. I was so engrossed in picking up the skill that, sometimes during school lesson, I would pretend to be paying attention but secretly beat some rhythms on my lap under the table.

What has captivated me about percussion, even until now, is that any challenging rhythm can be decomposed into the same building block – a single mallet stroke. As long as you can master the correct variations of strokes in the musical composition, you can perform pleasing drum beats to the audience. Not only that, transfer the same striking techniques to the keys on a xylophone, and you can produce melodious tunes.

Playing percussion has taught me to be more systematic in solving problems. Just like interpreting a musical score stroke by stroke, I have learnt to break up a big task into smaller parts, and tackle them one at a time. When practicing a certain segment of the rhythm, I have to be fully focused and not be bothered by the rest of the rhythm. Similarly, I have learnt to be patient in overcoming one obstacle at a time and not rush into things.

This pretty much tells you about my character - I like things to be neat and organized. I hope to apply my systematic analytical skills in solving real engineering problems.

9 comments:

  1. definitely engineer. conventional and realistic lol

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  2. Hi Xiang Min,

    Your introduction captures the reader’s attention. Most reader will have a hobby or interest. Your question will prompt the reader to carry on reading to find out more and it also allows the reader to easily identify with your experience.

    However, I am not very sure about “This pretty much”. It sounds slightly too informal for me.

    Cheers,
    Chee Siang

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hello! This is a fine and concise personal statement! I can understand how you feel as I myself am musically trained too! (Somewhat =))

    Your 1st paragraph captures my attention as you interestly described your love for percussion. However, your 2nd paragraph seems to me a bit redundant! This is because the points made there do not seem to link to the 3rd paragraph. You describe what captivates you in percussion in the 2nd paragraph but in 3rd paragraph, you suddenly link percussion to your strengths. It sounds a bit weird though. I do not know if i'm correct. Having said that, I like your 3rd and last paragraph as you describe your strengths through playing percussion. =)

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  4. G'day Xiang Min,

    I like the way you base your personal statement on your interest in percussion, with that theme being the linkage for all the paragraphs. Also, using this interest in the essay makes it more personal and allows the reader to see another side of your character. It was engaging reading all about the science of percussion and seeing how you linked it to your systematic personality.

    However, I think that you could clearly state the personal quality nearer the front of the personal statement instead of in the final paragraph, as I found the 3rd paragraph slightly confusing in that I could not identify which quality you were focusing on for your personal statement.

    Also, I feel that your ending is slightly abrupt. Perhaps you could expand it further?

    Cheers,
    Abigail

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  5. Hi there Xiang Min! Posing a question in the beginning gives the reader some pondering and an opportunity to be engaged while reading your letter. Your second paragraph has well encircled the technicality involved in the challenging pursuit of playing the percussion. I like the way you bring up how down-to-earth you are by starting small to accomplish bigger items in future. Moreover, patience is another trait you possessed that is required for accomplishing the former mentioned. However, I have some ideas for you to see if it helps you in improving this personal statement:

    -Starting the last paragraph with “This pretty much tells you…” seems to make you appear nonchalant about this personal statement and gives an impression that this is all you have to offer. Perhaps rephrasing it to “As one of the assets in my character…” may make you more value-added and make the readers look forward to knowing more about you.

    -The last paragraph can be expanded to elaborate more about your trait and how it can directly or indirectly be of relevance and use to the company.

    -Like a storybook, we will not want to write a book and then seal it off without a possibility of coming up with a sequel to it. Hence, the last sentence of the last paragraph can be improved to make it such that the reader will be given more room of thoughts and mental space. Of course, make the reader think highly of you.

    In all, this personal statement has little problems to be seen to. Good work!

    Regards,
    Ivan

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  6. Hi Xiang Min,

    I found this a very interesting post. I liked the way you put a personal touch into the statement and linked it up nicely into the job you are applying for.

    With regards to the 2nd paragraph. I guess you could end it off with a little more link to the topic sentence of the 3rd paragraph. For example, maybe you might want to end off the 2nd paragraph about how percussion has a systematic aspect, which will make the transition into the opening sentence of the 3rd paragraph more seamless.

    In the concluding paragraph you might want to just focus a little more on the skills before diving into the job aspect itself.

    These are just some thoughts that came to me as i read the article. I hope it's helpful.

    Cheers,
    aldrich

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  7. Thank you, Xiang Min, for this discussion of a truly unique trait in the personal statement. I like the way you connect your fascination with percussion with your patience and your interest in analysis and problem solving. Like members of your blogging group though, I feel you might need to further develop the theme, reaffirming the connections, especially in your third paragraph. Maybe a few more thoughts on *how* you came to develop the awareness of the musical/mathematical commonality.

    I, too, find the conclusion abrupt.

    Another draft of this might be in order.

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  8. Thank you all for your helpful comments.

    I have considered all your suggestions and come up with my second draft. Please take a look and give me your feedback.

    Hope it is now a better personal statement. =P

    (This blogging thing is getting addictive!)

    ReplyDelete
  9. This is an important topic. Of course, every human has its own loved or desired when a man passion singer, actor, and even scientists hate pare players. If he can use his will power the right way. I've used do my assignment writing service to write my assignment papers.

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